Forever.

Am I really this close to him?
My vision is dim.
This kid is so cute.
I can only stay mute.
Whatever, it's just a crush.
But he makes me blush.
Omg! He added me!
He's so dreamy!
I never thought I'd be talking to you.
I wouldn't even know what to do.
You're so real,
You make me feel
So special.
Here we are together,
And I think it'll be forever.
Your the only person I'd ever dream of being with.
And it's no myth.
I really do love you,
Because you're so true. <3

Enclosed Gas.

Sitting there,

looking,

wondering.

Do I have a chance?

Can I become free?

If only I could go to France,

I could finally be me.

I wonder why I can't get out,

and all I wanna do is shout.

every little bit of confidense

is no longer immense.

they drained it little by little

and they played me like a fiddle.

my escape is weak,

there must be some kind of leak.

the gases are entering my head,

i can't even get to my bed.

to die,

or to live?

I think of everyone I love,

Do they care?

or is what I'm getting fair?

why are they allowing me to hurt?

and make me feel like dirt?

I'm enclosed now,

so I guess it's time to take my last bow.

the gases enter my lungs.

I'm out cold.

I can no longer be the bold,

down to eath person anymore.

I'm just there, lying on the floor.

My heart.

My heart is a treasure
that will last forever.
It's buried deep,
& when you find it you may want it to keep.

looking through my deep eyes,
lay insecurities;
about myself,
about my soul,
about my life.
It's all about one big sacrifice.

once you find it,
you'll know everything.
through my lips I wont admit.
but will look into myself to bring.

I'm not only confused,
but I'm afraid.
I wish to be amused
and that could take a decade.

I hope with that shovel
you'll look through gravel,
stone,
and dirt
to find,
what's rightfully mine.
but could belong to you;
my heart.

For you.

why can't you look me in the eye?

I even wonder why.

I stress to think I'm insecure,

or maybe I'm not pure.

Maybe I don't want you in my soul.

I don't know what you'll pull

out of my heart.

But it's definitely soem kind of art.

Maybe I'm afraid to get hurt again.

It happens with all men.

Mostly one in particular.

for he may be familiar.

It's going to take a lot to pour myself to you,

perhaps very new,

for me at least.

but for you I'll go at ease,

because you're the one I want to please.

Searching for more.

I wimper through the thoughts in my head.
I grieve on the sorrow.
i cannot tell if it's dread.
will I even feel this tomorrow?
To my discovery;
yes.
What is the recovery?
Why am I a mess?

I know what I want to be,
but how do I set these feelings free?
I'm stuck in one big hole,
and I can't help but feel dull.

What am I looking for?
I am so confused!
I'm still searching for more.
what is it have I refused?
my inner thoughts?
my inner feelings?
I don't even know what they are!

I'm still stuck in stage one,
& I don't think I'll ever be done.

One Star.

The brightest stars in the sky

make me think of you.

They twingle,

they sparkle,

& glow.

they're so real.

and they make you feel.

There so many of them.

but you can't stop looking at that one.

it's different

and it seems persisant

to keep lit.

it may go dim,

but it keeps shining

everynight you look for that same star

because it's not that far.

it guides you,

and it shows you

what to do.

twenty years later

your love for it is greater.

that's when you knew it'd last forever.

<3

8.23.10(:

I can't help but think
my heart is weak.
I fell for you instantly,
literally.
you actually care,
which is rare.
you look at me like no other,
even when I act dumber
than usual.
& that's why we're so suitable.
hopefully our relationship is lasting,
because it'll be outstanding.

Chao.

I sit here and stare at your name,

& think if my feelings were your game.

All you did was just make me feel a fool,

and you were the tool.

I wonder what is wrong with me

to make you want to be

unfaithful.

it was hateful.

You charmed me,

& made me believe

you,

were untrue.

so fuck it,

I don't give a shit.

You're meaningless to me now,

so chao.

Good-bye

I picture my head on your shoulder,
they perfectly fit eachother.
you're telling me everything is okay,
and I'll have a wonderful day.
Then you peck my forhead,
& being parted we'll feel dread.
I tell you, "I love you,"
because I really do.
then you reply
with, "bye",
& you say, "I love you,"
and it'll always be true.
my smile is wide,
& my cheeks I try to hide.
I blush like crazy,
and my smile makes you hazy.
our good-byes are always long,
but wont ever be wrong.
the feelings we share,
are rather fair,
but we'll never doubt eachother,
not even for another.

Broken Glass.

Why wont the shame fade?
fade all the way into the deep shade.
I can't help but still feel broken,
like the glass on the floor.
nothing is ever behind closed doors.
It just sits there,
while life is unfair.
I don't like the sharpness of the glass,
it's cutting me further into this mess.
& i can't get out.
I even try to shout.
I am no longer in control,
I am just a little fool
I'm the blame for everything,
and it's not reassuring.
I can't get out of this room,
for all I can feel is doom.
this glass hurts so bad,
even though time will heal the wounds,
there will always be scars,
that I can't put behind bars.
because that's where I am,
until someone actually gives a damn.

I hate you.

I don't do it to be cool.
& I don't act like a fool.
I do it to get a way.
I seem to get away every day.
I've had a rough life,
& now I need to suffice.
I don't know what happened to you,
I thought what you used to say was true.
but now I know you're an ass,
& you really don't have any class.
I hate that you judged me,
we were never meant to be.
You never knew anything,
& now you left my heart aching.
I freaking hate you,
now and forever through.

Bestfriends Forever

You're over 5,000 miles away.
It sucks not seeing you everyday.
You are & will always be my bestfriend.
& it will never end.
We share so many memories.
along with similarities.
We've never even fought.
Do you remember all that candy we bought?
we were going crazyyy.
We ended up being super lazy.
I'll never replace you,
because our friendship will always remain true.<3

Being Alive.

I don't feel strong anymore.
I don't even know if it's worth fighting for.
I feel so ashamed by doing this.
I feel like I'm something they wouldn't miss.
I am so broken inside.
I am someone I'm still trying to find.
They say to stay strong,
but what if they're wrong?
I am so drained from these tears.
I can't keep living in this fear.
I will come out alive,
& for life I will strive.

I Can't Miss You.

They say people shouldn't dwell on the past.
But I remember everything even though it happened fast.
The image still burns in my head today.
Maybe if it wouldn't have happened, I wouldn've stayed.
I tell people i hate you.
But I can't do nothing but love you.
But how can I love someone who's caused me so much pain?
Up until 7th grade I needed counceling.
but the pain still hasn't drained.
I still think of why you did it.
Did you even give a shit?
I am your own flesh and blood!
I know you're sorry.
but do you even worry?
You can't even look at me, when I see you.
It'd make me feel better if I at least knew.
I wish I knew why you weren't ever there.
I feel like you didn't even care.
i know you're an alcoholic.
But that's no excuse to not a be a father.
Even when I'm your daughter,
You don't have the courage to speak to me
But I need an actual conversation please.
i still don't know what I'll decide when I'm eighteen,
but i don't think you'll ever change.
So I guess it's goodbye,
until you're no longer afraid.
I love you,
but I can't say I miss you too.

You(:

breathing heavily.
laughing constantly.
smiling a lot.
saying more than a thought.
See what you do?
It's all so true.
You're incredibly cute.
It's even hard for me to stay mute.
You charm me with what you say.
even when I'm down and grey.
I want to be with you some day.
Laying in bed with you.
not knowing what to do.
Kissing you before I go to work.
& leaving with a little smirk.
Seeing you when I go to bed.
& without you I feel dread.
I want to be by your side.
& I promise to never lie.
I'll be here for you,
& i hope you're here for me too.

Right now i don't understand love.
I'm not truly sure if it understands me.
I'm searching but I can't achieve.
Will I find him?
someone has to be out there through thick and thin.
Am I looking in the right direction for infatuation?
I know they're not the same.
Then what is the difference?
The feeling?
The touch?
or is it the way you look at someone?
It all feels like love.
I'll never be done.
looking for my one true love.

Aweeeee(:

"Maybe I'd be something you want. Maybe I'd be something you flaunt. Maybe just maybe I'd love you so much I'd drive you crazy. Laying in bed for hours at a time, till we wake up and press rewind. Cause you know I can only sleep with you by my side. & when you're not in my arms, you're running through my mind." <3333 aweee he wrote me this amazinggg poemmm. I feel so lovedd!

Summmmer 2010:D

Going swimming, seeing shirtless boys, drinking pop under the sunset, skinny dipping, and staying up all night long. Sound like fun? Most definitely. Who needs drinking, and who needs drugs, we can all have a lot of fun. You have your heart breaks, and you have someone stealing it back. Who care's what happens, as long as you make the best memories of 2010.

Progress

I'm making so much progress with this heartbreak... but I have a feeling that it will just happen again...
Is it bad when you like someone that is a lot older than you?

Well I do... &....
he's _____ years old...

Done..

This is messing with my head.

This is messing with my life.

I thought I was more than a friend.

I could have been your wife!

I can't stop thinking about you.

How could you just forget about me like that?

She can't be in your life too!

It's just all so jacked!

As much as I want to forget about you, I can't.

I would have drove all that way!

I really do want you back. Even when everything's not okay..

I still love you, If only you loved me too.

Lovely.

"Remember a while ago when we both agreed not to date anybody else?"
"yeah, and I haven't."
"Realllly?"
"really."
"Do you still feel like that towards me?"
"well duh!"

When he said that I knew I was going to be, once again, the victim. Why the victim you say? It all just leads to my heart being broken again.

You said it.

Right when he said "much love" is when I knew it would end. I thought you were the one. Both of you had a heart next to the status, i knew. Then i saw the, "May 14,2010", I knew it all. You were my everything. you may think what you are doing is not wrong, it's not. I'm happy for you, honest! But you were mine first! Why can't you treat me like before? I thought you loved me. Guess not. If you didn't treat me differently while dating her, I wouldn't have a least bit problem with you two. But you can't treat me like that and expect me to just stay with you. It's all gone. You, me, us.

I felt like my whole heart fell into a bottom-less pit, falling with no ending. Confused, on where to end, or turn. Have you ever felt this way? It just never stops! I don't even know where to begin anymore. Has life given up on me? Or did I give up on it?

I feel dead.

I need help...

Well there was this kid whom told me a secret having to do with me,and i totally wasn't going to say a word. I was wrong.. I've never told a secret ever, until now. He trusted me with everything,and now it's gone forever. If i wouldn't have told my supposed to be best friend this wouldn't have happened. I didn't even say it, I implied something about it,and she guessed it. All he said was," wow thought I could trust you. Forget about it and go to Hell." This is a horrible feeling. I couldn't reply... I couldn't. I'm not worthy enough to apologize. I have no courage, no backbone, no nothing. I can't totally blame her, I blame myself. All i know now, is that i am a horrible person.

Johnny Cash

I have come to relaize that i love Johnny Cash. I just got done watching, Walk the Line. It's such a cute movie! I cried when he proposed to June on stage. I'm really starting to love older music of this sort. Ray Charles is even a good musician. I suggest you get interested in this kind of music!

Cute Book

Well i am reading this book, Before I fall. It's amazzing. I probably wont ever like a book this much. I read in class all day too. That's crazy i just wasted a post on a random boook. It's totally worth it though.

SPRING BREAK! (April 2,2010)

Well Spring Break began last Friday. I am visiting my sister, and her family right now. It's quite in enjoying, actually. So you know what I love most about Spring? The beautiful flowers; I'm a flower freak. Lol. Do you guys have Spring Breaks? Well I enjoy mine. Everybody should enjoy them because life is too short to not like things.

What about me...?

Well i just looked at my bestfriends myspace profile and I am no where to be found on it.

I am not one to get mad over that kinda of thing,but in this case she's my bestfriend and it really upsets me. What do I do? I mean I've been there for her for like 6 years, and she is always first of anybody I know. I guess i don't know anymore.... :/

AWKWARD.

Long Time No See.

Well i know it's been a long time since I've last written. Not much has happened.

Well I know tomorrow is Easter sunday!

Not exactly what i want to talk about but, it is something that came to my head.

I'm so confused though. My bestfriend and I might date. We both addmited we liked eachother.

Do I like him? Yes,of course.


BAMM; New topic:

I am going to start going to church. I believe it will better myself. I hope i will be more happy,and joyful. It should help me realize how wonderful life is,hopefully.

When i look at beautiful pictures it helps me find peace. I like that feeling.

Do you ever feel like when you write a blog or something of the sort, that you're lying to everybody? I think i feel like that. Everything i write doesn't seem to match me, at all.

I really do intend on finding what causes this. I am determined to get to the bottom of it.<3